NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Found my door mat
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.