Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
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INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.