[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
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Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.