[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
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I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.