It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
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Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.