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The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.