Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
remember
only for emergencies
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
“Sheer Arrogance”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie