i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
You Might Also Like
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.