*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
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“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
i think we should see other cousins
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*