This week’s mood.
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Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
If you know, you know
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk