I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person