It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I don’t get marriage
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]