eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
*weighs self after shaving
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…