I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
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Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
An odd boast
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*