*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
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Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
BRO LMFAO
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes