moms in horror movies
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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S