A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
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Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
this is the greatest thing ever
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Very good! 👍😂
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.