Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
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People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Hotels are back
Who chose this font
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.