That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
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Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.