You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
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Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.