Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
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My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.