Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.