The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.