One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
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My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?