“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
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i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.