The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
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Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.