#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
2 years later
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….