On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
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[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time