[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
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Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.