British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
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Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Okay, I’m still confused…
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.