Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
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The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
🤣😂🤣
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it