Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
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I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
That’s a good costume, I hope.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?