*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
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Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions