Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
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The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
This January has 47 Mondays
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.