Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
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You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
You have been warned.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
BRAKING NEWS!!
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song