*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point