guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
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HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Realize this:
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
When you try jalapeños for the first time
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.