My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
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Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
shut up and take my money
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
this article brought to you by lions
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing