“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
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“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies