Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
my one true gender
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”