me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
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I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Found the job I’m suited for
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.