Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
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My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
The sacred texts.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself