I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
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Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?