ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
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Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
lmao
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point