Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
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my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
These are my emotional support Pringles.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US