Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Time for evil
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
groan^2