Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
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Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
What?