My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him