I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
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Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.