Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit